A CFNBC Reflection on Love, Laughter, and Letting Go
I went from being an Anti–Valentine’s Day person to being a Neutral Valentine’s Day person.
In my adult years, I learned from my ex-husband that Valentine’s Day was commercial, performative, and meaningless. You can show your love on any day of the week or honor your relationship on a day that is not built around cards and candy as tokens of appreciation.
Because of him, I did not just become indifferent to the day — I became resistant to it. I judged those who gave what I considered meaningless or unthoughtful gifts. I scoffed at them.
The Valentine’s Day That Brought Me Back to Life
Five months after my ex and I separated, I met Matthew, one of my best friends, in Washington, DC for a drink on Valentine’s Day. I was still struggling; reeling from the fact that I left my ex because he changed his mind about having kids. I wanted to preserve the opportunity to have a child and not completely cut it off in order to be with him. So, I left.
But I was not prepared for what life without him would be like. We had been together for 13 years.
On that Valentine’s Day, I was a mess and did not want to take the metro into DC to meet Matthew and his boyfriend for a drink. My brother pushed me, and I acquiesced. Matthew was only in town briefly, and I had not seen him in ages.
That Valentine’s Day now has a special place in my heart. It was the first time I genuinely laughed after leaving my ex.
I can’t remember what we talked about, what we reminisced about, or what we ate or drank. All I can remember is the feeling. I smiled. I laughed. I felt loved.
When I remember it now, it brings me back to that feeling — lightness, possibility for the future, and deep connection with a dear friend.
I moved from despising Valentine’s Day to simply not hating it.
The Gift I Didn’t Want
Fifteen years later, on Valentine’s Day, I received a gift from Michel that I did not want.
He knows that I think Valentine’s Day is commercial and performative, but he still brings me a card or flowers or candy. A gesture.
I always tell him he does not need to do it — that I am not “that type of woman.” But he brings them anyway.
A few years ago, he bought me a ring. A small rose gold band with tiny diamonds. At first I balked.
“Why did you spend money on this? You know I don’t like Valentine’s Day. I don’t need this.”
He smiled and insisted that I wear it. “It did not cost that much. I got it on sale.”
I acquiesced again, realizing that his giving was more about him wanting to give than it was about the day itself. Michel, by nature, is generous. He loves to give. And I have learned to accept — in more ways than gift-giving.
It’s been four years, and I still have that ring on my finger.
Recently, Michel asked me what I want to do for Valentine’s Day this year. I gave him my standard phrase: “We don’t need to do anything. It’s not that big of a deal for me.”
He already bought me flowers last week. He brought me cookies I like a few days ago — they were on sale. Today he told me he wants to take me out for a burger “like when we were dating.”
The funny thing is, we didn’t eat burgers while we were dating. I think he just wants a burger.
What This Means for a CFNBC Woman
So what does this mean for a CFNBC woman — for a woman who is childfree not by choice?
Laughter and love exist independent of having a child.
Yes, holidays can trigger emotions — loss, sadness, fear. Valentine’s Day after infertility, divorce, or letting go of the dream of motherhood can feel heavy. But they can also be quiet reminders of what still exists.
A close friend who makes you laugh when you think you never will again.
A husband who wants to show his love, even when you resist the holiday.
It can remind us that we are more than the life we imagined. We are loved and appreciated in the eyes of others. We are cared for. And sometimes, that care teaches us to care for ourselves a little more gently.
From Anti to Neutral
So now I am Valentine’s Day neutral.
I don’t hate it. I don’t love it. But I can accept it for what it is — a day of appreciation.
And we all deserve that.
