If you’ve ever wondered what not to say to a woman going through infertility, this is for you. Because I’ve been on the receiving end of those well-meaning words that somehow still manage to slice right through. Like the time someone told me to “just relax”—as if my heartbreak had a cure I’d been too uptight to try.
When you’re navigating IVF failure, a collapsed adoption, or fostering that ends with grief instead of family, even casual comments can feel like daggers.
If you love someone walking through this, thank you for showing up. This post will help you do it better.
9 Things Not to Say—and What She Actually Needs to Hear
1. “Everything happens for a reason.”
Why it hurts: It dismisses her pain and implies it’s deserved.
Say instead: “This is so unfair. I’m here for you.”
2. “Just relax and it will happen.”
Why it hurts: It blames her body or emotions.
Say instead: “This sounds so hard. How are you really doing?”
3. “At least you know you can get pregnant.”
Why it hurts: It minimizes her loss. A miscarriage is not a silver lining.
Say instead: “Losing something you wanted so deeply is devastating.”
4. “You can always adopt.”
Why it hurts: Adoption is not a consolation prize. It’s its own complex journey.
Say instead: “Whatever path you choose, I’ll walk it with you.”
5. “Why don’t you just foster?”
Why it hurts: Fostering is not simple. It can be beautiful, yes—but also traumatic.
Say instead: “You’re allowed to want what you want, and I support you.”
6. “You’re lucky you don’t have kids.”
Why it hurts: This is the emotional equivalent of a slap.
Say instead: “I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I’m listening.”
7. “God has a different plan.”
Why it hurts: Even for women of faith, this can sound like divine rejection.
Say instead: “I don’t have answers. But I won’t leave you in this.”
8. “Have you tried…?”
Why it hurts: She has. And if she hasn’t, it’s not your place to suggest.
Say instead: “I trust you’re doing what’s best for you.”
9. “Everything will work out.”
Why it hurts: Sometimes, it doesn’t. Not every story ends with a baby.
Say instead: “No matter what happens, I’m here. Always.”
What She Really Needs from You
She doesn’t need advice. She needs space.
She doesn’t need answers. She needs to feel less alone.
She needs presence over platitudes. Validation over fixing.
She needs you to understand that insensitive comments about infertility can deepen the isolation she already feels.
If you’re trying to figure out how to support someone going through IVF or adoption struggles, the truth is: just love her where she is. Let her grief be sacred.
And if you’re her? The one living this?
You are allowed to hurt. To feel rage and relief in the same breath. You are allowed to take your time.
You are not less.
