A New Year, A New Life
It’s 2025, and I am stepping into a new chapter of my life with fresh goals and no children. This is the year I fully embrace being involuntary childfree or childfree not by choice. Opening up about this journey feels like exposing a vulnerable part of myself, much like what I shared in ‘My Dirty Little Secret – Exposed’.
In May 2024, I made the difficult decision to let go of my dream of having children. I decided to stop pursuing fostering, which had been my last hope after years of trying for a biological child, a donor egg child, adoption, and fostering. After a long journey down each of these paths, I finally reached the point where I could not continue.
The Journey to Letting Go of the Dream of Having Children
Accepting this decision has been one of the hardest challenges of my life. For over 20 years, I poured everything into the dream of having a child. From begging my ex-husband for “the opportunity” to have children, to finding a new partner, to undergoing IVF with my own eggs, to trying donor eggs, and experiencing failed implantations, a miscarriage and a chemical pregnancy. Afterward, I tried to adopt internationally, and finally, I fostered two sets of siblings.
It wasn’t exhaustion that made me stop—I’m a fighter, tenacious, and filled with willpower. What became clear was that I didn’t want to be 65 years old raising a teenager. I wanted something different for my life at that age. It wasn’t fear of being an older parent—I had already helped raise my stepchildren from ages 10 to their mid-twenties. While I wasn’t their parent, I was a close friend, an aunt, and a trusted advisor. That experience taught me what it would mean to raise a child at an older age, and I realized I wanted a different life.
A Different Vision for the Future
As my husband
and I plan for retirement in the next 15 years, I envision a life of freedom—traveling, being financially secure, and sitting by the beach. I didn’t want to worry about where a child would go to college or navigate the challenges of raising a teenager. I’ve been through that experience, learned from it, and now it’s over.
What Comes After Letting Go?
So, what happens after letting go of a dream you’ve held onto for more than two decades? The answer isn’t simple. Right now, I’m still figuring it out. But first, there is grief.
Anyone who has gone through infertility understands grief intimately. We’ve experienced the highs of hope and the crushing lows of disappointment. Letting go of this dream feels similar. Resources like Resolve: The National Infertility Association provide guidance and support for navigating this challenging process.
As I write this, I’m sitting in the “kids’ room” we created for our foster children, looking out into the backyard. I know that spring will come, and this room will be transformed. Something new will grow in the garden—and in me.
Final Thoughts
This blog post’s journey reflects the raw emotions and realities of being childfree not by choice. As 2025 unfolds, it’s a year of transformation, growth, and the promise of new beginnings.
