When IVF Made Me Superstitious About Everything
During my IVF journey, I became superstitious about almost everything.
If I did this, maybe it would work.
If I didn’t do that, maybe it wouldn’t.
One time, a bird started building a nest in a big, beautiful plant on our apartment terrace. Over a few weeks, the nest appeared, and then—two eggs. I thought, This is it. This is my sign. If a bird could land in our plant, make a home, and lay eggs, then surely I was going to have a baby. How many birds make a nest on a 17th floor apartment terrance?
The Nest That Became My Symbol of Hope
Every morning before work, I’d check on those eggs. Every night, I’d come home and look again. I was certain they would hatch. Certain that when they did, it would mean my baby was coming too.
But they never did. The eggs stayed in the nest, untouched, until they were just… gone.
I felt gutted. I told myself, That was my chance. That was the sign. It’s over. My mental health plummeted. I was already worn down from the cycles, the hormones, the waiting. And now this—proof, in my mind, that I’d failed again.
Tarot Cards, Last Chances, and the “What Ifs”
It wasn’t the only superstition I clung to. I went to a tarot card reader, desperate to know if I would ever have a child. Every reading gave me hope. The next round will work. You’ll have a baby. I believed it. I needed to believe it.
Before my last round of IVF—my last €10,000—I saw him again. He told me maybe I should go to Spain. I was already in Greece for treatment. How could I change everything now?
When it didn’t work, I blamed myself for not following his advice. I tortured myself with what ifs.
The Toll on My Mental Health
Looking back, I can see how desperate I was. How much I wanted control over something that was uncontrollable. These rituals, these “signs,” gave me a false sense of power. But they also broke me when they didn’t come true.
Now, I’m trying to have compassion for that version of me—the woman who was just trying to find hope in anything she could. I carried so much shame for not becoming a mother. The superstitions didn’t cause that, but they became part of it.
Life Beyond the Signs
When you have stopped trying you know how hard it is to let go of the symbols and superstitions you once clung to. But those rituals, and even the hope you carried, don’t define who you are. You are more than what didn’t happen. You are more than the cycles, the waiting, and the heartbreak.
Your story isn’t over. It’s shifting. And somewhere in that shift, there’s room for joy, purpose, and a life that is still deeply your own.
