I thought I could survive infertility on sheer will. I was strong, tough, resilient, a bit punchy when I felt I was being wronged or when I was trying to protect someone I loved. I knew I could beat it. I had endured tough times. Some might say I was a bit arrogant with my will. So why not this one?
That does not mean I wasn’t scared. In fact, when I first realized I needed interventional medicine, I flipped out. All the testing and unfamiliar faces — the doctors and nurses, the hospitals, the French administration process. It was overwhelming. I was shaking. But I still felt confident that I could beat this. That is why I didn’t mind sharing my story with my friends. I was not ashamed. I was confident.
I was so confident that I didn’t understand that people actually failed. No one talked about failure then. The people I saw on TV or in magazines were always getting the baby. Yes, they documented their struggles and it was hard and painful — but they all came out with the baby.
For me, I was watching Giuliana and Bill, one of the first reality shows to document infertility struggles. Watching them finally have a child via surrogacy gave me hope and boosted my confidence. They won.
Turning to Adoption after IVF Failed
But I did not win this battle. I did not win the IVF struggle, and I did not get the miracle baby. When the time came, I moved on to adoption. Again, after a long time deciding if this was the right path for us, I thought we would finally get the adopted baby. I knew it would be a process, and I was scared, but I was strong-willed. I thought I could will it into existence.
But again, in the end, it didn’t work. We paid over $5,000 to an irreputable international adoption agency. We could not get our money back. Even though I was a trained lawyer and wanted to fight it, I was exhausted. I had no strength. We paid an additional $5,000 in other costs just to start this process.
What I Learned After Surviving Infertility
Having a strong will means being determined, resilient, and self-disciplined with a clear sense of purpose. That’s the positive aspect, and it’s great — it should be lauded.
But when it comes to infertility, willpower is only one part of the equation. You can do all the procedures, many rounds, spend all your money, try everything, and never give up. But that doesn’t guarantee success. You can still fail.
And the consequence of being strong-willed and failing? For me, it was heightened self-criticism — believing it was all my fault. What did I do wrong? I blamed myself for the failures. Did I not eat the right food? Did I not follow the directions? I questioned everything. It took a toll on my self-confidence and self-esteem.
Years later, looking back — and with the help of therapy — I realized that strong will is not the sole factor in making this work. Willpower is a component. It’s not the answer.
The Limits of Willpower in Infertility
Willpower can be a gift. It pushed me to keep going through endless tests, rounds of IVF, and paperwork for adoption. It made me resilient. But willpower also became a burden. When treatment failed, I didn’t just grieve the loss of motherhood — I blamed myself. I believed I should have been able to control the outcome with sheer determination. The truth is: infertility is not something you can win by will alone.
I used to think that being strong meant pushing harder, never giving up, and willing myself through the pain. But real strength isn’t just about willpower — it’s also about flexibility, compassion, and knowing when to let go. Psychology Today describes seven signs of mentally strong people, and what strikes me is how many of them have nothing to do with sheer will.
Final Thoughts
Willpower is a strength, but it’s not a cure. Infertility taught me that while determination matters, it doesn’t guarantee results. I had to learn that it wasn’t my fault — and that no amount of sheer will could have changed the outcome.
