When I decided not to pursue parenthood anymore, I felt so alone.
Was there anyone else like me who gave up? Yes, there was Jennifer Aniston, but she did not take up the mantle of those women who give up after trying. She just said “that ship has sailed.” She seemed at peace with it when she let the public know about it. And I was happy to hear that.
But when I stopped, there was no one I could talk to, except my excellent therapist. I did not know what to do with myself. What do you do after 20 years? Go into oblivion? Forget about the last 20 years like it never existed? I had to come to terms with it. And I still am. But now it is a bit easier.
Grief and Relief
My immediate feeling was grief and relief. Relief that the struggle was over and grief that the struggle was over. I looked for support groups online, but the ones I found did not resonate with me. They used the word “childless” and that word felt like a dagger to my heart. And we all know how much I hate that term if you read this blog. I did not want to be “less.” I wanted to be whole. I wanted to be perceived as a normal woman who had some struggles but is coping with it in a healthy way. Not less.
Healing Through Writing
I did not know what to do next with myself. I was already in the habit of writing in a journal based on my Miracle Morning practice. So I just started writing more. It was healing for me. I had to let my feelings out. I had to go over the story and process the trauma. And that is what I am doing now with this blog. I am processing. I am coping. I am building a new me.
My Mission Now
My mission now is not just about me—it’s about all of us. It’s about moving beyond feeling “less” and reclaiming a sense of wholeness and strength. It’s about showing that we are not broken, but resilient. My mission is to help other women like me as we navigate these feelings together. To hold space for us—women who are Childfree Not By Choice —to let the world know we exist. That we are real. That we are complete and enough, just as we are. That our stories matter.
Hi Stephanie,
I just read your article in Huff Post and it really resonated with me. I am 40 years old and stopped my quest for parenthood about a year ago after 5 years of trying. I am a stepmom of two as well which adds another layer to this journey. My friends have babies and now a year into my healing journey I am so happy to be going to high school graduations instead of TK graduations right now. I will never understand why I was not meant to have my own children when it was all what I wanted since was a child, but I am more okay with it. I adore my husband and am looking forward to our life together with our two incredible young adults. I am blessed to have great relationships with them. I guess I wanted to share a bit of my story and share how validating it was to read your article. Thank you for sharing and for creating this platform. I am whole and I am still healing.
Thank you so much for sharing your story with me—I felt every word. Stepping into that space of acceptance and finding new joys (like high school graduations!) is no small thing. I’m right there with you—my stepkids knew some of my story, but writing the HuffPost article finally let them see the whole picture. I’m grateful for them, and for this chance to connect with you, too. We’re whole, and we’re still healing. Thank you for your kindness and for reading.
I had a doctor who was trying stuff to help me get pregnant. It failed
After getting new insurance, I got a Black doctor who spotted my symptoms. I had a thyroid disorder. I thought I was on my way. Then I got an OB who just didn’t care. She didn’t listen. I lost the pregnancy.
A year later I decided to fast. I was thinking of giving up. I was considering adoption. A few, weeks later, I was pregnant. This time I chose an OB who would listen.
Infertility is hard. The questions are embarrassing, and insensitive Do what makes you happy.
Thank you for sharing your journey. It’s so real and so raw—and such a powerful reminder that listening and being seen by a doctor who actually cares makes all the difference. I’m sorry for all that you’ve been through and grateful you’re still here, still choosing what’s best for you.
I wrote you a separate (long!) response via your Contact page, but wanted to add something as well that helped me during my healing after years of failed donor egg IVF and international/domestic/foster care adoption attempts that shattered me: the podcast “Live Childfree with Erik and Melissa”. While they didn’t have the adoption busts like you and I did, they approach the journey in going from childLESS to childFREE in a really cool way, with lots of emotion and funny bits as well. There are almost no books or blogs that I found that were helpful or encouraging when we ended our journey (or before, or in these years after), but this one was special. Here’s a link: https://ivy.fm/podcast/living-childfree-with-erik-and-melissa-481761
PS – Boy do I wish Jennifer Aniston had come out a few years earlier with her article about ending her journey, if I hear one more story about a 50 year old actress’s ‘miracle baby’ or Jimmy Fallon telling people to ‘not give up’ because they used their millions to pay for a surrogate, I could gag. A former neighbor had the gall to say that I could “have my menopause reversed” and get pregnant. I’m 51 now. Like you, I don’t want to be 65 with a teenager. I did my best, I was an overachiever, and it still didn’t work. If I had to do it all over again? I would never have gone through IVF. I don’t believe in ‘no regrets’ – I do regret those years of needles and hormones and, yeah, all that money in the bank that could have taken us to Italy. But we’re still plotting Italy…
Thank you for sharing this and for the podcast recommendation—I’ll definitely check it out. Your words about “no regrets” resonate deeply. We did our best, and that doesn’t erase the pain or the what-ifs. I also wish Jennifer Aniston had said something sooner—it would have meant so much to hear that we’re not alone, that this is part of a bigger story. I’m so glad you’re still plotting Italy. For me, it would be New Zealand. Let’s keep finding those little pieces of freedom and joy that are ours alone.