When your friend has a baby and you don’t, the emotions can be complicated—joy, grief, detachment, or all of them at once. Friendships shift, and life moves forward, but what happens when you feel left behind?
The Unexpected Emotional Landscape
Except for my husband, people rarely ask: How does it feel when your friend has a baby and you don’t? If they did, how would I answer? It depends on where I am in my life.
Today, I am buying baby gifts on Amazon—onesies with cute French sayings like “Bonjour, Y’all” and “Pass me to Grandma.” A gift set of French baby toiletries, a Good Night, Paris book (a take on Good Night, Moon), and a French baby book—sweet things I would have loved to have had myself.
And today, I feel… fine. No sorrow. No envy. Just the simple act of buying a gift for someone else’s child.
But it hasn’t always been this easy.
Coping with the Emotional Weight of Infertility
For 20 years, I’ve watched close friends and family members have babies while I remained child-free. Sometimes, it hurt. Sometimes, I was envious. Sometimes, I cried.
When those emotions overwhelmed me, I did what I had to do to cope. I masked my feelings, putting on a brave face while my heart ached. My husband, Michel, was the only one who truly saw through the mask. My sister and my mom offered comfort, their words like a lifeline I clung to.
“It will happen for you too.”
“I know it hurts now. I’m sorry.”
“I can see you with a child. I can see you holding a baby and smiling.”
Their reassurances settled me—temporarily. But in truth, I was always moving forward, chasing the next possibility. Another IVF cycle. Another procedure. Another attempt at fostering. The hope, the disappointment, the relentless cycle continued.
How Feelings Change Over Time
This is not the first time I’ve faced the birth of a friend’s child since stepping away from my pursuit of parenthood. A close family member recently had twins. Was I jealous? Sad? Depressed? Not really. At some point, you stop feeling it so deeply. Or maybe you just don’t want to hear too much about it. Many women in similar situations describe feeling isolated or unsure of how to navigate friendships after infertility.
But then there was the time my niece had a baby. That was different.
Finding Joy in Someone Else’s Baby
Years ago, when my niece became pregnant, I felt nothing but joy. I was happy from the moment she announced it. I was happy when I visited her newborn son for the first time.
Why wasn’t I sad this time? I don’t know. Maybe because she had struggled with fertility too. Maybe because I love her so much that her happiness became my own. Or maybe because his birth felt like a new day for our family.
It was a déjà vu moment—I had been in the hospital waiting for my niece to be born and here she was 30 years later giving birth.
A full-circle moment. And in that moment, I was ecstatic.
Accepting the Emotional Complexity
So, how does it feel when your friend has a baby and you don’t? The truth is, it depends.
Some days, you might be at peace. Other days, sorrow might creep in when you least expect it. And sometimes, you will feel both emotions at once.
If you’re in the thick of it, my only advice is this—pay attention to your emotions. Let yourself feel them, whatever they may be. Because no matter what, one thing is certain: those feelings will change. They will evolve. And ultimately, they are temporary.
